A dirty expression made clean again

I haven't written anything for a couple weeks. Most of my time has been taken up trying to get enrolled in another degree program, but I'm back for a bit, so enjoy.

I don't know if you ever heard the expression, but it was popular with the older generations: "It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" Now before anyone assumes I'm being crass, let me explain. Until today I thought this was some weird old people form of vulgarity. At one point I even asked my uncle about it. He told me it had something to do with the brass monkeys on the Heidelberg bridge in German. (It is worth noting that my uncle spent most of my childhood telling me lies for fun. Once he talked my 8 year old cousin into kissing said monkey on the behind because it's the German version of the blarney stone.) It turns out there is a real story behind this odd euphemism. 

When sailing ships where the kings of the oceans, they used to get themselves into fights. It could be with ships from waring countries, pirates, or the occasional sea monster. Sailing ships generally had two types of weapons - swords and cannons. Since using swords meant that you were being boarded, cannons became the weapon of choice. The problem: cannon balls were heavy, and liked to roll around. If a cannon ball got loose on the deck there would be a 30lb ball of iron rolling at your ankles which would most likely ruin your morning. Sailors found that the best way to avoid cannon balls rolling around was to stack them pyramid style on top of a metal plate called a "monkey." This plate had a bunch of divots in it to keep the cannon balls from moving. Since iron is prone to rusting, most ships went with brass monkeys. Brass is awesome; it doesn't rust much and when it tarnishes hipster pirates could take pictures of it to feel artsy. The only bad thing about brass is that when it gets cold, it contracts. If it was cold enough, the contraction in the brass would collapse the pyramid and send the cannon balls rolling hence coining the phrase, "it's cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey!"